when the soul weaken, fragile, then harden.

when i'm sitting alone, i keep thinking and thinking. bed sitting and talking to myself. don't want to talk to others. almost crazy. feel like losing hope. no one cares. everyone hate. and sorta things sandwiched me hugely. can't stop cry. those flashbacks made me sick. i blame others for this sickness. God..i almost lost faith in You. my mum worry as much as oh my god kinda feeling. she said her daughter seemed want to commit suicide by starving herself. i think a lot. maybe because i regret or you know feelings that are unable to be described. like ever. people who hate you will be happy to see you sad. and people who love you will be sad when you sad.i can't stop thinking how cruel people are. backbiters.  and in this entire world, i feel like only my mum loves me for real. only the existence of my mum made my life much easier. my mum whom i shared blood, food, the one who gone through pain 9 months for me. the one who trying to understands when i'm speak. you don't know how much i love her. they don't know how much i hate them when they hurt her. you know they feeling in the time you do prayer but inside you lost faith. like your soul weaken, fragile, then harden. you questioning yourself, why should i do prayer, like for the sake of what? and who?

astaghfirullah..i knew it was truly wrong to think that way. at one point, i blow up to the peak of anger to whom i felt dissatisfied. okay, she can hates me if she wants. but hatred never be in me even though you think yes it is in me. you can say or think in the way you want for yo own self. you'll never know me.

i feel weird. i feel grateful. subhanallah. with Him i never alone. i did wrong, again and again. but Allah keep helping me again and again. i feel so shame. why Allah ,You're so arRahim arRahim. You give me someone i don't expect to know. someone who don't know me but try to be in my problems, want to hear, sharing a shoulder and cares. someone who don't want a payback. someone i hope  is the one that cares for me from the start.  why Allah, You always help me even though i commit too many sins. this proves how i knew nothing. proves how near You are. proves how You cares for each of your creation.

how much times i fell and failed, how much Your mercy remains.please remains.

reminder to myself..