that one smile

sometimes i carry my little self too far, too much
too much thinking of why things have to be this way.
 i have imperfections, so many.
i don't have a beautiful face, not even a perfect figure.
i don't have a single figure a boy search for. i'm not a girl a boy can be proud of to have me.
i don't have a flawless skin everyone dream of.
i don't have the cutest smile ever
i make sins everyday, but i'm not a devil.

i'm a faker. i fake almost everything. a smile, the feelings, almost everything.
sometimes i fake myself for what others want.
somehow sometimes i smile to the one who hurts this self.

sometimes i give too many chances, and broken at last. broken life. broken relationship.
too many chances i gave for myself to feel a little happy, until one day someone said i'm too easy to fall in love, way too easy to accept.
that's okay, i put on no hard feeling, because that someone just don't know my whole story. my past that i can't fix.

tired of fighting for too many times.
tired of being there
tired of being hated for being myself.
tired of being misunderstood
tired of being needed when one have no one.
tired of spending time.
tired of being left behind.
tired of being forgotten
tired of losing
tired of being manipulated
tired of trying to understand
tired of being forced to let go
tired of crying
tired of holding on

but i'm still here, always. always remember everyone that once makes me smile. :)
i'm just feeling tired, got no control over.

i want someone that willing to love me, give me just everything, accept me, fight for me. someone that i can be myself with and never judge. someone like that.

maybe God trying to tell me i don't get what i want, and failed in each fall because there will be a time in a place someone waits for me. someone better than what i want.

now i just have to wait and move on... keep on faith. be sincere in everything i give, never demand something in return.

thankq.